Atomic Element 26! Double Header Review Day

Iron Duke, by Meljean Brook

It's been nine years since the Horde, an oppressive empire from Asia, were run out of England. However, detective inspector Lady Wilhelmina Wentworth will never be able to escape their cruelty: her mother was raped during the invasion, and Mina is half Horde. Mina crosses paths with the revered Iron Duke Rhys Trahaearn, a former pirate captain who was instrumental in fighting the Horde, when a dead body is tossed on his estate. What begins as lust sparks into full-blown romance as the two learn more about the nefarious Black Guard and catch a murderous madman. Airships, zombies, nanotechnology, outlandish secondary characters, and a complicated heroine round out the novel. - Publisher's Weekly

This week's theme is two-fold: first, the obvious metallic royalty thing going on, which I find amusing, since it sounds like they belong to a single series, but in fact have nothing in common. I would totally read The Iron Dowager Queen, too! The other theme is procrastination, i.e., I read these books so long ago, I had to return them to the library, since they do not let me renew books more than once down here in this god-forsaken wasteland, but I've been putting off writing about them, until I had other things I wanted to put off more. Don't judge me, juggling onerous tasks is how I got so spry and nimble! Also, I know that doesn't make sense and I don't care. WHAT.

The Iron Duke, which I have typed as The Iron King twice now, is a really fascinating alternate history steampunk book, and although there are a few instances where I was kinda scratching my head, for the most part Ms. Brook does a good job of absorbing you into the story, and giving you enough world-building to get you interested, but not enough to overwhelm you. In Iron Duke, nanotechnology of some sort was introduced to foodstuffs imported into England (sugar, particularly), and once all the population had sufficient intake, they were activated, so that the people were controlled by the Horde, and kept insensate, apart from the brief periods of frenzy, which were basically induced orgies, meant to control the population growth.

As a brief aside, was the Horde supposed to be Asian, like, the Golden Horde? This was never explained to my satisfaction, and I will be honest with you, at first I thought they were aliens, and this was some sort of sci-fi thing, but I kinda got the impression that they were actually humans. Plus, they're sexually compatible with the English (rrrrawr), but visually separate, since people can tell from looking at Mina that's she's a hybrid. Or a half-breed. A mule. More zippers, mule! (I said, don't judge).

[PS I was just reviewing this for editing, and I realized that blurb up there totally says that the Horde is from Asia. HAHAHAHAHA, obviously my reading comprehension leaves a little something to be desired. But it's not clear in the book, is my point, nyah.]

Anyhow, Mina is pretty awesome, like the Mina from the League of Extraordinary Gentleman, who is based on the Dracula Mina (I was about to say Batman's Mina. I should not be writing this post, for real, yo), who is, by all accounts, also pretty kickass. To sum up: naming your child Wilhelmina is still a horrible thing to do to them. She is on a police force of some sort, that part's only partially important, because we get right to the good stuff right away: a body that fell on the Duke's property, who has been dropped from such a height as to break every bone in his body, and leave him a gelatinous sack. Also, he was frozen when he was dropped! DUN DUN DUN!

I will be honest, I only partially followed the plotline, mostly because it didn't really make much sense, and because not knowing it only slightly impeded my enjoyment of the book. This ain't no War and Peace, y'all, I don't need to remember why this pirate lady went out of her way to drop a guy on the Duke's house, which seems really stupid, since the last thing I would want is some pissed off Ironman bent on revenge chasing me around on a dirigible. In a dirigible? On a dirigible. DIRIGIBLES! One thing this book has lots of is dirigibles! Or uh, airships? Either way, a method of transportation I have no desire to try out, especially after reading this book. And seriously, how could the Duke, who is, apparently, entirely iron inside his insides, not have to like, stay in one place on the ship? Wouldn't that much iron, wandering around deck, trying to make out with people, be like, super unsteady, and tip that sucker over?

I just looked it up, and answers.com (which is a very reliable source) says that cast iron weighs 450 pounds per cubic foot. So, if he's like, five cubic feet (google failed me on my "how much cubic feet per person" inquiry, which I do have to admit is probably not asked very often, and should probably be restricted to the even more esoteric, "how many cubic feet are all the bones in the human body", which makes me sound like a serial killer), then he weighs well over 2000 pounds. You know what else weighs 2000 pounds? A small car. Can you imagine trying to have sex with a car on top of you? Really? You need help. Even if he's only like, one cubic foot worth of iron, that's still like, the same as a big fucking llama. I got sidetracked, I apologize.

So the Duke sees Mina, and thinks she's a hot piece, which he is one hundred percent correct about, and decides he's going to follow her around town, trying to mack on her, and generally being about even money in the helpful:horny odds. Now, I do have to mention, the one truly not good part of the book, is where he rapes her. I KNOW. I didn't want to say it like that, but it kinda is like that, no getting around it. She says no, he continues, because, and I forget this exactly, he's like, in some sort of sex-haze, and doesn't realize no means no. And he realizes later, and prostrates himself, and she forgives him, and they fuck off into the sunset. It's bullshit, but I got through it, and liked everything else, so my experience of the book was not ruined. It's just. . . it's rape, man, and FOR NO GOOD REASON. I have no idea why that scene was written like that. It really made me dislike the Duke, whereas I had been ambivalent before, and the eventual rehabilitation of his character just doesn't seem worth the total smear job.

Like, The Iron Duke really needed not to be a romance book, because all the non-romance parts (besides the bewildering plotlines, which I accept some blame for, I have a short memory) were great, and all the romance parts kinda skeeved me out. The world that Ms. Brook created is delightful, all the nuances, and details, and stuff, even if it's got some holes. I just wanted Mina to team up with the Duke without all the angst, and then for them to go off and like, hunt krakens and bulldoze zombies and solve crimes. I don't think that's too much to ask.





The Iron King, by Julie Kagawa

Meghan Chase has a secret destiny—one she could never have imagined…

Something has always felt slightly off in Meghan's life, ever since her father disappeared before her eyes when she was six. She has never quite fit in at school…or at home.

When a dark stranger begins watching her from afar, and her prankster best friend becomes strangely protective of her, Meghan senses that everything she's known is about to change.

But she could never have guessed the truth—that she is the daughter of a mythical faery king and is a pawn in a deadly war. Now Meghan will learn just how far she'll go to save someone she cares about, to stop a mysterious evil no faery creature dare face…and to find love with a young prince who might rather see her dead than let her touch his icy heart. - From Amazon

This book is totally not like the Iron Duke, in that this is a) a teen book, b) not steampunk, c) set in Louisiana and faery, not Europe and airships, and d) not exciting. Two things this book is sorely lacking: ass-kicking and exploding zombies.

I apologize in advance, not only am I sickish (this - a runny nose and sore throat - is usually about as sick as I ever get, so I milk it for all it's worth), and have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I also didn't have much to say about this book even right after I read it, so I'm doubly short on words now. I was very excited about the premise, and also because I got the first two chapters on my kindle, and it was very tantalizing. But now I've read the whole thing, and I am very let down. First, the characters are kinda paper-boardy. Cardboardy. Two-dimensional. Meghan is flat, Robin is flat, and honestly, I skimmed the last half of the book. I didn't want to! It was just. . . not gripping, and kinda telegraphed, so I got bored waiting for everyone to do what I knew they'd end up doing, like, twenty pages back. Except that time Meghan gets drunk on fairy juice. Did not see that coming.

But things like that were part of my discontent with the Iron King: the events didn't really flow, they seemed more like, squares on a gameboard, like now you have a chase scene, now you have a dance scene, now you have your three main characters face-off and wow, I'm bored just trying to describe it. I feel badly, since it's not a bad book, I just sorta was expecting better, and it's so bland. It was a let-down.

Plus, you gotta compare it to that other book about going into fairyland to switch a changeling back, Heir to Sevenwaters, by Juliet Marillier, and this one just does not compare. Not that the changeling isn't frightening. That's some Omen shit right there. I've been trying to think of something else to say about this book, and it's just not coming. It really is that bland. So I am going to bed. I hope you'll all join me for the next installment, The Iron Maharaja.

The False Princess

The False Princess, by Eilis O'Neal

Princess and heir to the throne of Thorvaldor, Nalia has led a privileged life at court. But everything changes when she learns, just after her sixteenth birthday, that she is a false princess, a stand-in for the real Nalia, who has been hidden away for her protection. Cast out with little more than the clothes on her back, the girl now called Sinda must leave behind the city, her best friend Kiernan, and the only life she's ever known.

Sent to live with her only surviving relative, Sinda proves inept at even the simplest tasks. Then she discovers that long-suppressed, dangerous magic runs through her veins, and she realizes that she will never learn to be just a simple village girl. Sinda returns to the city to seek answers. Instead, she rediscovers the boy who refused to forsake her, and uncovers a secret that could change the course of Thorvaldor's history forever.

I apologize y'all. I have been sitting on this book (not literally) for a couple of weeks, because it's been so difficult to find time to write out a review. It's a madhouse! A MADHOUSE! Good, the insanity didn't take long. Regardless and irregardless, contrariwise, the fact remains that time has passed, and I'd already forgotten the heroine's name. It happens every time! Names are generally the first thing I will forget about a less-than-memorable book (unless they put it right in the title, Princess Ben), and even in books I like, occasionally. Sometimes I'll get ahead of the curve and skip the step of learning them in the first place.

I have not, however, forgotten the plot of the book yet, so let's get this show on the road before I finish my slow descent into senility. Nalia-now-Sinda gets called before the King and Queen and the two senior magicians, who inform her that she's not the princess, but actually the most elaborate body double ever, and she is being sent back off to live with whatever remains of her family. She gets shuffled off to her aunt's place, and tries to fit in, feeling sorry and sorrier for herself, until she almost burns the house down and realizes she's magical. Since, apparently, uncontrolled magic is a danger to everyone around her, you'd think that the kingdom would be prepared to handle novice magicians, but instead of accepting her into their special magic school, or something else constructive, like uh, imprisoning her or sending her away from the crowds of people in the capital, they let her cry about her rejection until this old woman magician, Philantha, shows up randomly and decides to train her.

Good thing Philantha showed up! Because otherwise, she would have had to do what all those other poor, magic-filled kids did . . . . which I assume, based on Sinda's fears, involved blowing themselves and everyone around them up. This obviously doesn't concern the king and queen at all, since they've allowed this state of affairs to continue, but it seems kinda reckless. Say, as reckless as allowing someone to take your child away and pretend she's a novice nun and steal part of her soul while you slot in a peasant baby in her place. Because THAT plan was a guaranteed winner, amirite? What could possibly go wrong there?

So anyhow, Sinda hooks up with Kiernan, and they. . . something something, I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore. No, just kidding, they discover that Nalia 2.0, electric boogaloo, is also not the real princess, so they go haring off to find the third to complete the set.

I didn't mind the book, it is, as they say, mostly harmless, and it's an interesting concept. My issues are that the plot hinges way too much on deus ex machinas and leaps of logic that aren't earned by the characters. For instance, the key to the identity of the dirty double crosser relies on a chance statement that this oracle wished her family could have seen her be invested, or whatever it is they do to oracles down there. How Sinda and Kiernan get from that to the fact that it was a relative who asked her to give a false prophecy, I have no idea. It's not like the oracle was like, "OH, how I wish that MY FAMILY was here. I would do anything for them! They are the only people I trust in the WHOLE WORLD."

And plus, if Nalia 2.0 has to undergo constant upkeep on the spell to keep her and everyone else thinking she's the princess, then didn't Sinda have to do the same thing? Were they wiping her memory like that every week? Because that is never addressed, and I gotta tell you, it would be my first concern. Like, sure, not in the initial overload of information, but somewhere down the line, as she's picking flowers for her auntie, you'd think the wheels would be turning, and she'd go, "WAIT A SECOND. Those fuckers hypnotized me into forgetting I was wandering around getting magical maintenance done!" And then check to see if she was missing a kidney. And what exactly does this spell do, besides giving the double a birthmark? Because, honestly, I feel a tattoo would be simpler. I get that parts of the real princess's soul were transferred, but I'm missing the reason for it - I mean, was it just for the benefit of wandering magicians who felt the urge to check out the princess's aura? Because it didn't give Sinda any royal abilities, which you'd think would be kinda the point of going through this exercise to begin with.

So, obviously, I have issues. But it's not a terrible book, even if you do get a little tired of Sinda's does-he-doesn't-he attitude toward Kiernan, like, he does. Trust me, he does. It's just that I feel like the author was trying to accomplish more than just a inoffensive teen fantasy. There's stirrings of social reform in there, but it's all a little dulled. I think it could benefit from a tightening up. All in all, it doesn't quite stand-out from any of the other teen fantasy books out there, it's not wretched, it's not great.